Monday, 23 April 2012

No left turn.

Today was hard. 

It was just as hard as yesterday, easier in some ways and yet even harder in others.

I woke up this morning filled with dread (same old story - mornings are the worst!) and desperately wanting to call in sick to work.  One thing I am proud of is that I have not called in sick once yet this year - and every single day starts the same way.  I even fantasize about falling down my stairs and breaking a bone.  Longing for the good old days of being stuck at home with the shingles!

One day at a time.  One hour at a time.  One foot infront of the other.

I am dealing with a bit of a fiasco at work which has not made any of this easier.  As I said in my last (first!) post, this cloud feels darker and gloomier than it's ever been and to be completely honest, I've been pretty scared lately.  Scared of what the future might hold for me.

I've never thought like this before.  I had youth on my side and always thought that one day I'd find happiness, peace...the life I always wanted.  It doesn't feel that way anymore.  I worry about what might happen after a few more years of this. I panic at the thought of having to live without my mom.  She is my lifeline - sometimes literally.

I could never leave her.  I wouldn't, couldn't do that to her.

But....what happens if one day I'm without her? God forbid. *Knock on wood*

I'm scared.  I've thought about "it" more than I ever have lately.  I've thought about how I might do it.  Not now, but someday.  I can see it happening.  The thought scares the hell out of me and I'm confident that I'm not in danger of hurting myself now but....will I always be able to say that?

I have 2 best friends who are like sisters to me and who I feel I can talk about anything with.  Tonight, I was talking to one of these friends (both of them live in other cities) and I confessed to her that I was feeling scared.  That I was worried about the future.  For reasons I understand, this is what she said....

"I'm sorry.  I'm not the right person for you to be talking about this with.  I can't listen to this."

I have never confessed something so dark and personal before.  And I never would have done it if I wasn't truly worried.  When it comes to depression, I am more likely to say everything is fine.  Smile though my heart is breaking kind of thing.

Her response to my reaching out was extremely painful.

I understand where she is coming from (due to a personal, painful experience she has been through with a family member).  Am I selfish to have thought I could reach out to her? That maybe because of her experience she would have more compassion?

I felt terrible that I didn't consider how she might feel in hearing me say these things but I also felt extremely embarrassed, alone and ashamed.  I still feel that way.

And I'm still scared.

Tomorrow is another day.  They just keep coming.


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