Tuesday, 10 July 2012

Not Sure.

I haven't written in a while.  I can't say it's because I've been feeling really great - not even close.  Writing used to come so easily for me in times of trouble....now it seems pretty pointless.  I haven't wanted to deal with what is really going on in my life and unless I want to make this blog fictional, writing wasn't going to help my denial.  But denial wasn't helping either so.....I'm back.

Things have been hard lately - not gonna lie.  Yesterday I bought a self-help book and at first I felt empowered by the things I was reading and relating to but now I feel so much more discouraged.  So much more damaged.  I have a lot of work to do.  And no idea of how to do it. 

It's late and I should probably go to bed but I want to write more tomorrow. I just want everthing to be ok again.


Tuesday, 29 May 2012

I haven't written much lately because things haven't been that bad. Theyhaven't been that good either.  Just....not bad.

I'm still sleeping as much as ever.  Last night I only got 8 hours sleep  and I was utterly exhausted at work today.  I've been reading a lot about sleep and how it relates to depression and some studies have shown that sleep deprivation can actually help those in a depressed state.  I believe this to be true based on my own experience. When I've gone to bed really late and know I'll have to face the day with much less sleep then I would like, it never seems to be as bad as I expect. Too tired to get into it right now.

I just spent the evening with "The person I've been seeing" (PIBS?  LOL)  I always seem to feel worse after spending time with him.  So what is the point?  Why do I continue on? 

I really thought he cared about me.  I really thought I was making the right decision in letting him "in".  I'm really starting to think that he's not the right kind of guy for me but then again, I'm not ready to give up.

I need to find a new therapist. 


Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Lonely Alone.

I should probably just go to bed.  I'm exhausted (it will be worse tomorrow!) and I'm feeling miserable.  Nothing good will come of staying awake any longer and yet I'm avoiding going to bed because that means I'll be at work that much sooner.


I feel alone.  I AM alone.  I guess I'm having a bit of a pity party.  Nobody knows what is really going on with me.  How bad it is.  Nobody knows.  Writing makes me feel less alone.

Maybe I should talk to my doctor about up-ing my anti-depressant dosage.  I am overcome with fatigue and though the dark thoughts are less, they are still prominent.  They outweigh the good.  This is no kind of life!!!

Guess I'm going to go to sleep. 

Really hoping tomorrow is a good day.  "Good" might be pushing it.  I'll settle for not-bad.



The first thing I want to mention is that my friend is ok.  Thank Buddha. 

I use the term "ok" quite liberally as I have no idea what is really going on with him but obviously if someone was driven to write such a dramatic, cry for help facebook status then things must be pretty bad, right?  Right?

So then why am I having such a hard time with the now non-chalant "everything is fine" attitude?  Obviously I'm relieved beyond words to know that he is "ok". This goes without saying.  What I'm having a hard time with is the way all of the love and concern that was shown to him over the last 48 hours is being brushed off as "silly".  If (if!) I were to ever post something like that on my facebook, I don't think I would be so lucky as to have as many people rush to my aid.

He is now asking for financial aid to assist with his art.  I understand that for him art is everything, art is his life.  But when I saw I was tagged along with his other friends who I came to know over this crisis, I thought it was going to be some heartfelt post about how lucky he is to have people in his life who care about him so much.  Instead, it was to ask for money?  I don't want to sound like a total bitch - if they guy is in a pinch I would help wherever I could but....he has family and friends and people he can go to if things are so bad.  People that WANT him to be with them (I've read their posts).  Again, not everyone is so lucky.

It's hard to put into words what I'm feeling right now.  Years ago I had an experience (I won't call it simliar) with a girl from highschool.  The entire nature of our relationshp was built on her falling apart and me trying to put the pieces together.  I first met her while innocently walking into the girls washroom where she was crumpled on the floor in a fit of tears.  She had gotten herself into trouble and I helped her get out of it.  (I thought for a moment to hold back as I didn't want to offend any pro-lifers out there but fuck it. I'm pro-choice. The girl was pregnant, Muslim, in an abusive relationship...the list goes on.  I drove her to the abortion clinic an hour outside of town. As I would have done for anyone. And as I would have wanted done for me if I were in that same position.)

Anyways, we left school, left town, went out separate ways only to find ourselves living blocks away from each other in "The Big City."  We were friends.  Never close friends but lots of phone chats.  More listening than chatting on my part.  Another bad relationship for her.  Everything falling apart.  So much talk of suicide and it really scared me. 

"It's not a fucking joke!" I would tell her when she'd talk dreamily about how she saw it all ending.  She was so consumed by her issues that she couldn't hear what I was saying, nor could she hear the fear with which I said it. 

Three times I called the ambulance on her.  Once she was pulled off the bridge (only to leave the psych ward a few short hours later). 

I felt like I was there for this girl, I gave her what I thought was solid advice (more like support...I know advice isn't usually what people are looking for.) and I went above and beyond to make sure she was ok when even her closest friends brushed the whole thing off (when I called them for help).

When my dad passed away, I didn't hear from her.  She didn't come to the funeral.  She now has a perfectly, happy, shiny life with all the things she's always wanted.  We are no longer friends.  I'm happy for her but I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a bit....bitter. 

Was I a sucker?  Am I a sucker?  An enabler?  Giving the attention that was being sought?  Am I selfish for wondering if anyone would do the same for me???

When I felt desperate and like I couldn't find my way out of the darkness, I started this blog.  I confided in my 2 best, best friends.  One of which was loving and supportive, the other couldn't handle it.  I don't think I could or would ever make a public display of my desperation like that.  I feel like...for me....it will just happen.  Enough will soon become enough and that will be.....enough.

It's hard for me to understand the kind of people who toy with the notion of ending their life.  It's not a fucking joke!!!  It's scary. Really scary.  I feel like if/when I finally decided that was what I wanted to do, I would not advertise it to the whole facebook world for fear that they would stop me.  Things would have to be unbearable to get to the point of making that decision and if I truly felt that was the only way out, I wouldn't want anyone to stop me.

Again, I want to say that I am not feeling suicidal right now.  However, I worry that I have the potential to go there....and that in itself scares me.  I do think about it where I never used to.  Scary.

11:11....make a wish.


Monday, 21 May 2012

Love is the Light.

I've spent the last 12 hours worrying desperately for a dear friend of mine. 

He's an artist, a poet, a dreamer, a visionary....he is so many beautiful things.  He gives me hope that there are people in this world who are capable of really caring about something, about someone.  He is all of these things and so much more.  I met him when I was a kid and was instantly taken by him - his creativity, his talent.  We stayed in touch for a while, lost touch for a while longer and have recently (in the last few years) reconnected through social media. 

It has been through this same venue that I have discovered how much pain my friend is in right now.  I feel sick that I haven't spoken to him enough to realize the level of suffering he is experiencing.  That I had to read a heart breaking facebook status in order to see the pain.  Or worse - that he is in so much pain that he was driven to write such a status.  (Though I'm thankful that he reached out - however he chose to do it.)

We are miles apart and I am not able to go to him however I hope he can feel the love and the light that I am sending his way.  I hope he feels the love from all of us who care for him.  I hope that it is enough. 

Apparently he is with a family member right now and they are working to get him the help that he needs. 

It is such a cruel thing that the most sensitive souls, the ones the world truly needs, are often those who suffer the most. 


Monday, 14 May 2012

Something More.

So much for writing every day!

This weekend was...pretty ok.  My mom was here on Friday night (she lives 2 hours away) and it's always good to see her.  Although it's also hard - I feel the need to entertain her even though I know that's the last thing she expects from me.  She knows me better than anyone and knows almost everything that I'm dealing with.  She's the only one I feel I can be truly vulnerable with even though I still feel like I have to put on a "happy face" around her.  Because I don't want her to worry about me. 

I'm an only child and lost my dad unexpectedly 2 years ago.  My dad and I had a tumultuous relationship when I was young(to say the least!) and in the time before he passed, I feel like we were just getting to a place in life where we were finding a mutual understanding of each other and could almost enjoy each other's company as adults.  I feel a bit ripped off to have lost him just when I was starting to feel I could have a relationship with him but obviously there is nothing I can do about that now.  It's funny (for lack of a better word) that I almost feel closer to him now more than ever.  I talk to him a lot and ask him for guidance. 

I've never been a very religious person (my dad would have called himself an "atheist" but I think now it was another one of his reverse psychology tricks.  He used to claim to have really rigid viewpoints and when I would question him he would challenge me and cause me to think for myself and form my own opinions.  A bit fucked up but it worked in a lot of cases.) but I do believe in something more.  And when my dad passed away, I became certain that there had to be more to life. 

I remember asking myself over and over, "Where is he? Where could he have gone?  He can't just be....gone???"

One of my dear friends reached out to hug me and said, "He's everywhere" and at that exact moment a huge clap of thunder shook the air around us and the heavens opened up.  I sat in that torrential downpour (in July) and just cried and cried.  I've always felt that storm was meant for me somehow.  Even if it's silly.  It was a hot summer night and as more family arrived, I remember sitting in my lawn chair contemplating all that had happened, and the sky was full of shooting stars. 

There has to be more.

I wish he would give me a sign now.  Of what to do to take control of my life. 


Tuesday, 8 May 2012

You Think You Know...

But you have no idea.

Maybe if you're actually reading this you might have a slight inkling but the people around me on a daily basis don't seem to have any idea of how much I'm struggling.  How close I am to giving up. 

Maybe it's my fault.  I fake it so much that it takes everything I have.  I'm not sure why I do this.  I guess I think it's easier for others then to dump all of my crap on them.  That they'll like me more if I'm agreeable and pleasant, etc but I'm starting to get resentful.  I just want to escape.

I don't want depression to define who I am and I don't want to find "myself" only to discover that I'm this broken, fragile person who needs to be "handled with care".

Except that I am.

The shitty part is that I feel like whenever I have allowed myself to show weakness or vulnerability it has only resulted in my being taken advantage of.  People smell weakness and they go for the attack.  This is true in both friendships and relationships. 

Recently I have ceased to be friends with the majority of people that I have allowed myself to become somewhat close to in the 3 years that I've been living in this city. For one reason or antoher I felt like they were not good for me (and in some cases they were blatantly awful) but all I can think is that there must be something wrong with me.  I mean - what (who) is the common denominator here?  It's me. 

What the hell is wrong with me????

Why does every day have to be so hard?  And the days turn into months, the months into years...and it's always so hard.  I'm not sure what to do anymore.  I don't know how to do anything differently. 

I feel hopeless right now. And a bit scared.  One day they (my "people") will read these words and think, "I really had no idea."

I'm just not sure what to do.

I really have no idea.