You Think You Know...

But you have no idea.

Maybe if you're actually reading this you might have a slight inkling but the people around me on a daily basis don't seem to have any idea of how much I'm struggling.  How close I am to giving up. 

Maybe it's my fault.  I fake it so much that it takes everything I have.  I'm not sure why I do this.  I guess I think it's easier for others then to dump all of my crap on them.  That they'll like me more if I'm agreeable and pleasant, etc but I'm starting to get resentful.  I just want to escape.

I don't want depression to define who I am and I don't want to find "myself" only to discover that I'm this broken, fragile person who needs to be "handled with care".

Except that I am.

The shitty part is that I feel like whenever I have allowed myself to show weakness or vulnerability it has only resulted in my being taken advantage of.  People smell weakness and they go for the attack.  This is true in both friendships and relationships. 

Recently I have ceased to be friends with the majority of people that I have allowed myself to become somewhat close to in the 3 years that I've been living in this city. For one reason or antoher I felt like they were not good for me (and in some cases they were blatantly awful) but all I can think is that there must be something wrong with me.  I mean - what (who) is the common denominator here?  It's me. 

What the hell is wrong with me????

Why does every day have to be so hard?  And the days turn into months, the months into years...and it's always so hard.  I'm not sure what to do anymore.  I don't know how to do anything differently. 

I feel hopeless right now. And a bit scared.  One day they (my "people") will read these words and think, "I really had no idea."

I'm just not sure what to do.

I really have no idea.

~Marly