I was looking for a picture of myself to post with this blog. Unfortunately I don't have anything that is an inconspicuous as I'd like it to be. I don't have a problem admitting that I have depression but the nature of this blog (saying whatever I want, whenever I want) makes me want to maintain discretion a little bit.
But I want people to know that I (along with countless others) am the face of depression. And my face is nowhere near as dark and gloomy as you might expect. In fact, if I were to pass you on the street I'd probably be the one to give you a smile and wish you a nice day. (Fake it 'till you make it!) I have a big, bright smile (thanks to 5 years in braces) and I flash it probably more than the average person. It's part of my mask.
Suffering with depression can be especially hard because I maintain such a cheerful facade. When I'm having a hard time, people notice. They ask me what is wrong but I always brush it off and I'm sure many of the people around me on a daily basis assume that everything is peachy keen with me. I've got some shit going for me. What could possibly be wrong? If I do try and confide in someone, I feel like they don't take me seriously. This has often been the case when I've tried to get professional help (i.e therapy).
Today I did get out of the house and take the dogs to the dog park. It felt good. There weren't a lot of people there, the sun was shining and the dogs had a great time. I was proud of myself for getting them out there.
I heard from "the person I've been seeing" who told me that he got carried away with the day and apologized for "fucking up". A texted apology - take that for what it's worth.
I was relieved to be honest. No mask. No putting on a show. This is a person I thought I could actually be myself with. I've known him for a long time and he's been a very good friend to me - I've never been "friends first" and wouldn't have normally gotten involved with someone while I'm feeling this way but....here I am. And it's nowhere near the way I thought it would be.
There is a lot more to it and I hope to write about it soon. It's been hard and I'm not sure if it's because of the headspace I'm in right now or if it's a sign that this isn't really a good match. I thought for once I was making good "pick", choosing to open up to someone that I've known for so long and who I thought knew me. And who I thought I knew. I'm not so sure now. About any of it.
It's almost midnight and I'm going to sleep. On the couch again. Why can't I bring myself to sleep in my bed??????