Tuesday, 29 May 2012

I haven't written much lately because things haven't been that bad. Theyhaven't been that good either.  Just....not bad.

I'm still sleeping as much as ever.  Last night I only got 8 hours sleep  and I was utterly exhausted at work today.  I've been reading a lot about sleep and how it relates to depression and some studies have shown that sleep deprivation can actually help those in a depressed state.  I believe this to be true based on my own experience. When I've gone to bed really late and know I'll have to face the day with much less sleep then I would like, it never seems to be as bad as I expect. Too tired to get into it right now.

I just spent the evening with "The person I've been seeing" (PIBS?  LOL)  I always seem to feel worse after spending time with him.  So what is the point?  Why do I continue on? 

I really thought he cared about me.  I really thought I was making the right decision in letting him "in".  I'm really starting to think that he's not the right kind of guy for me but then again, I'm not ready to give up.

I need to find a new therapist. 


Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Lonely Alone.

I should probably just go to bed.  I'm exhausted (it will be worse tomorrow!) and I'm feeling miserable.  Nothing good will come of staying awake any longer and yet I'm avoiding going to bed because that means I'll be at work that much sooner.


I feel alone.  I AM alone.  I guess I'm having a bit of a pity party.  Nobody knows what is really going on with me.  How bad it is.  Nobody knows.  Writing makes me feel less alone.

Maybe I should talk to my doctor about up-ing my anti-depressant dosage.  I am overcome with fatigue and though the dark thoughts are less, they are still prominent.  They outweigh the good.  This is no kind of life!!!

Guess I'm going to go to sleep. 

Really hoping tomorrow is a good day.  "Good" might be pushing it.  I'll settle for not-bad.



The first thing I want to mention is that my friend is ok.  Thank Buddha. 

I use the term "ok" quite liberally as I have no idea what is really going on with him but obviously if someone was driven to write such a dramatic, cry for help facebook status then things must be pretty bad, right?  Right?

So then why am I having such a hard time with the now non-chalant "everything is fine" attitude?  Obviously I'm relieved beyond words to know that he is "ok". This goes without saying.  What I'm having a hard time with is the way all of the love and concern that was shown to him over the last 48 hours is being brushed off as "silly".  If (if!) I were to ever post something like that on my facebook, I don't think I would be so lucky as to have as many people rush to my aid.

He is now asking for financial aid to assist with his art.  I understand that for him art is everything, art is his life.  But when I saw I was tagged along with his other friends who I came to know over this crisis, I thought it was going to be some heartfelt post about how lucky he is to have people in his life who care about him so much.  Instead, it was to ask for money?  I don't want to sound like a total bitch - if they guy is in a pinch I would help wherever I could but....he has family and friends and people he can go to if things are so bad.  People that WANT him to be with them (I've read their posts).  Again, not everyone is so lucky.

It's hard to put into words what I'm feeling right now.  Years ago I had an experience (I won't call it simliar) with a girl from highschool.  The entire nature of our relationshp was built on her falling apart and me trying to put the pieces together.  I first met her while innocently walking into the girls washroom where she was crumpled on the floor in a fit of tears.  She had gotten herself into trouble and I helped her get out of it.  (I thought for a moment to hold back as I didn't want to offend any pro-lifers out there but fuck it. I'm pro-choice. The girl was pregnant, Muslim, in an abusive relationship...the list goes on.  I drove her to the abortion clinic an hour outside of town. As I would have done for anyone. And as I would have wanted done for me if I were in that same position.)

Anyways, we left school, left town, went out separate ways only to find ourselves living blocks away from each other in "The Big City."  We were friends.  Never close friends but lots of phone chats.  More listening than chatting on my part.  Another bad relationship for her.  Everything falling apart.  So much talk of suicide and it really scared me. 

"It's not a fucking joke!" I would tell her when she'd talk dreamily about how she saw it all ending.  She was so consumed by her issues that she couldn't hear what I was saying, nor could she hear the fear with which I said it. 

Three times I called the ambulance on her.  Once she was pulled off the bridge (only to leave the psych ward a few short hours later). 

I felt like I was there for this girl, I gave her what I thought was solid advice (more like support...I know advice isn't usually what people are looking for.) and I went above and beyond to make sure she was ok when even her closest friends brushed the whole thing off (when I called them for help).

When my dad passed away, I didn't hear from her.  She didn't come to the funeral.  She now has a perfectly, happy, shiny life with all the things she's always wanted.  We are no longer friends.  I'm happy for her but I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a bit....bitter. 

Was I a sucker?  Am I a sucker?  An enabler?  Giving the attention that was being sought?  Am I selfish for wondering if anyone would do the same for me???

When I felt desperate and like I couldn't find my way out of the darkness, I started this blog.  I confided in my 2 best, best friends.  One of which was loving and supportive, the other couldn't handle it.  I don't think I could or would ever make a public display of my desperation like that.  I feel like...for me....it will just happen.  Enough will soon become enough and that will be.....enough.

It's hard for me to understand the kind of people who toy with the notion of ending their life.  It's not a fucking joke!!!  It's scary. Really scary.  I feel like if/when I finally decided that was what I wanted to do, I would not advertise it to the whole facebook world for fear that they would stop me.  Things would have to be unbearable to get to the point of making that decision and if I truly felt that was the only way out, I wouldn't want anyone to stop me.

Again, I want to say that I am not feeling suicidal right now.  However, I worry that I have the potential to go there....and that in itself scares me.  I do think about it where I never used to.  Scary.

11:11....make a wish.


Monday, 21 May 2012

Love is the Light.

I've spent the last 12 hours worrying desperately for a dear friend of mine. 

He's an artist, a poet, a dreamer, a visionary....he is so many beautiful things.  He gives me hope that there are people in this world who are capable of really caring about something, about someone.  He is all of these things and so much more.  I met him when I was a kid and was instantly taken by him - his creativity, his talent.  We stayed in touch for a while, lost touch for a while longer and have recently (in the last few years) reconnected through social media. 

It has been through this same venue that I have discovered how much pain my friend is in right now.  I feel sick that I haven't spoken to him enough to realize the level of suffering he is experiencing.  That I had to read a heart breaking facebook status in order to see the pain.  Or worse - that he is in so much pain that he was driven to write such a status.  (Though I'm thankful that he reached out - however he chose to do it.)

We are miles apart and I am not able to go to him however I hope he can feel the love and the light that I am sending his way.  I hope he feels the love from all of us who care for him.  I hope that it is enough. 

Apparently he is with a family member right now and they are working to get him the help that he needs. 

It is such a cruel thing that the most sensitive souls, the ones the world truly needs, are often those who suffer the most. 


Monday, 14 May 2012

Something More.

So much for writing every day!

This weekend was...pretty ok.  My mom was here on Friday night (she lives 2 hours away) and it's always good to see her.  Although it's also hard - I feel the need to entertain her even though I know that's the last thing she expects from me.  She knows me better than anyone and knows almost everything that I'm dealing with.  She's the only one I feel I can be truly vulnerable with even though I still feel like I have to put on a "happy face" around her.  Because I don't want her to worry about me. 

I'm an only child and lost my dad unexpectedly 2 years ago.  My dad and I had a tumultuous relationship when I was young(to say the least!) and in the time before he passed, I feel like we were just getting to a place in life where we were finding a mutual understanding of each other and could almost enjoy each other's company as adults.  I feel a bit ripped off to have lost him just when I was starting to feel I could have a relationship with him but obviously there is nothing I can do about that now.  It's funny (for lack of a better word) that I almost feel closer to him now more than ever.  I talk to him a lot and ask him for guidance. 

I've never been a very religious person (my dad would have called himself an "atheist" but I think now it was another one of his reverse psychology tricks.  He used to claim to have really rigid viewpoints and when I would question him he would challenge me and cause me to think for myself and form my own opinions.  A bit fucked up but it worked in a lot of cases.) but I do believe in something more.  And when my dad passed away, I became certain that there had to be more to life. 

I remember asking myself over and over, "Where is he? Where could he have gone?  He can't just be....gone???"

One of my dear friends reached out to hug me and said, "He's everywhere" and at that exact moment a huge clap of thunder shook the air around us and the heavens opened up.  I sat in that torrential downpour (in July) and just cried and cried.  I've always felt that storm was meant for me somehow.  Even if it's silly.  It was a hot summer night and as more family arrived, I remember sitting in my lawn chair contemplating all that had happened, and the sky was full of shooting stars. 

There has to be more.

I wish he would give me a sign now.  Of what to do to take control of my life. 


Tuesday, 8 May 2012

You Think You Know...

But you have no idea.

Maybe if you're actually reading this you might have a slight inkling but the people around me on a daily basis don't seem to have any idea of how much I'm struggling.  How close I am to giving up. 

Maybe it's my fault.  I fake it so much that it takes everything I have.  I'm not sure why I do this.  I guess I think it's easier for others then to dump all of my crap on them.  That they'll like me more if I'm agreeable and pleasant, etc but I'm starting to get resentful.  I just want to escape.

I don't want depression to define who I am and I don't want to find "myself" only to discover that I'm this broken, fragile person who needs to be "handled with care".

Except that I am.

The shitty part is that I feel like whenever I have allowed myself to show weakness or vulnerability it has only resulted in my being taken advantage of.  People smell weakness and they go for the attack.  This is true in both friendships and relationships. 

Recently I have ceased to be friends with the majority of people that I have allowed myself to become somewhat close to in the 3 years that I've been living in this city. For one reason or antoher I felt like they were not good for me (and in some cases they were blatantly awful) but all I can think is that there must be something wrong with me.  I mean - what (who) is the common denominator here?  It's me. 

What the hell is wrong with me????

Why does every day have to be so hard?  And the days turn into months, the months into years...and it's always so hard.  I'm not sure what to do anymore.  I don't know how to do anything differently. 

I feel hopeless right now. And a bit scared.  One day they (my "people") will read these words and think, "I really had no idea."

I'm just not sure what to do.

I really have no idea.


Monday, 7 May 2012

Sleep Becomes Me.

All I want to do is sleep.

This can't be normal.  I slept until noon today, from 2:30 - 3:30 and can barely keep my eyes open at 10:15pm.  What is wrong with me????  I was on the phone a few times today and yawned the entire time.  I'm yawning as I write this.

I keep hearing people say that exercise will help with depression.  Where the hell am I going to find the energy to exercise when I can barely muster up enough to take my dogs for a walk???  I have an elliptical in my house and although I refuse to hang clothes off of it, the foot pedals sure could use a swiffer. 

I did manage to take the dogs to the park today but we got there late and I felt a bit irritable.  My dogs weren't listening and for whatever reason, my younger dog (though I've had him the longest) was being really stand-offish with other dogs and other people.  I felt annoyed.  Everyone else has these friendly playful little dogs who run over for a pet and have no problems playing with other dogs.  "Everyone else" always has everything, don't they. *sigh*

The person I am seeing was supposed to come over again tonight but I talked to him today and this time I was the one who suggested we do it another night.  I could sense that if he did come over I wouldn't be able to keep up pretences like I usually do.  I just don't have the energy.  I'm not sure how much longer this thing with him will last.  It's crazy to me that it's turned out this way - he's someone I thought I could love. 

I am a terrible judge of character.

My best friend and I have talked about this before - when I was online dating I considered giving her the controls so that she could be the one to pick on my behalf but that just seems silly.  She knows what I like and more importantly, what I need but....it just seems so inauthentic to do that.  I want to find someone who truly wants to be with ME.

That reminds me of a great quote I saw on facebook earlier today, by one of my favourite people:

"That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is.  Most people love you for who you pretend to be.  To keep their love, you keep pretending - performing.  You get to love your pretence. It's true, we're locked in an image, an act - and the sad thing is, people get so used to their image, they grow attached to their masks. They love their chains." - Jim Morrison

So true Jim Morrison (you sexy babe), so true.


Sunday, 6 May 2012

I Want to Take Off the Mask.

I was looking for a picture of myself to post with this blog.  Unfortunately I don't have anything that is an inconspicuous as I'd like it to be.  I don't have a problem admitting that I have depression but the nature of this blog (saying whatever I want, whenever I want) makes me want to maintain discretion a little bit. 

But I want people to know that I (along with countless others) am the face of depression.  And my face is nowhere near as dark and gloomy as you might expect.  In fact, if I were to pass you on the street I'd probably be the one to give you a smile and wish you a nice day. (Fake it 'till you make it!)  I have a big, bright smile (thanks to 5 years in braces) and I flash it probably more than the average person.  It's part of my mask.

Suffering with depression can be especially hard because I maintain such a cheerful facade.  When I'm having a hard time, people notice.  They ask me what is wrong but I always brush it off and I'm sure many of the people around me on a daily basis assume that everything is peachy keen with me.  I've got some shit going for me.  What could possibly be wrong?  If I do try and confide in someone, I feel like they don't take me seriously.  This has often been the case when I've tried to get professional help (i.e therapy).

Today I did get out of the house and take the dogs to the dog park.  It felt good.  There weren't a lot of people there, the sun was shining and the dogs had a great time.  I was proud of myself for getting them out there. 

I heard from "the person I've been seeing" who told me that he got carried away with the day and apologized for "fucking up".  A texted apology - take that for what it's worth.

I was relieved to be honest.  No mask. No putting on a show.  This is a person I thought I could actually be myself with.  I've known him for a long time and he's been a very good friend to me - I've never been "friends first" and wouldn't have normally gotten involved with someone while I'm feeling this way but....here I am.  And it's nowhere near the way I thought it would be.

There is a lot more to it and I hope to write about it soon.  It's been hard and I'm not sure if it's because of the headspace I'm in right now or if it's a sign that this isn't really a good match.  I thought for once I was making good "pick", choosing to open up to someone that I've known for so long and who I thought knew me.  And who I thought I knew. I'm not so sure now.  About any of it.

It's almost midnight and I'm going to sleep.  On the couch again.  Why can't I bring myself to sleep in my bed??????


Sunday Not-So-Fun Day.

Incase it needs to be said, this blog is more like a journal/diary for me than it is a display of my impressive writing skills (or lack thereof).  I needed a place where I could come and just let the words and feelings flow from my fingertips. I wanted to write every day but I've already missed a few and I have a feeling some days I might feel the need to write multiple posts.

As the weatherman predicted (correctly for once) today is a beautiful day.  Sun is shining, birds are chirping and everyone seems to be oot and aboot.  As I predicted, I've only left the house to take the dogs out back.

But I have moved a ton of furniture and am cleaning my carpets!!!  It's amazing what one will do to avoid the things that scare them.  *sigh*

I also slept until noon today which I figured I would do. 

The person I've been seeing (who needs a code name) was supposed to come over tonight for dinner but it's 3pm and I've yet to hear from him.  And I refuse to make the first contact after being sold out last night.  (I need to write about how I got myself into this situation in the first place.)

I'm going to continue cleaning carpets, then I'm going to take the dogs to the park, then I'm going to make a nice dinner for myself and watch "Game of  Thrones". 

Seize the day.


Late Night Couch Report.

It's 1:18am.

I'm watching some Sandra Bullock movie about going to rehab.  A month of hanging out in comfies, smoking ciggies and figuring shit out doesn't sound so bad!!!  I wish there was a life rehab.  For people who suck at life.  Sign me up!!

I slept until noon today after staying up too late last night and then I slept again from 8pm - 10pm.  Why am I so tired? 

It's not even that I'm tired - I just want to escape my life and sleep seems the only way.  I had planned on taking the dogs to the dog park Thursday, Friday, today....it hasn't happened.  I feel bad for them and selfishly, for myself.  I felt so good last week when I took them out and I really wanted to keep that up.  Now I just feel pathetic for not being able to even the littlest things and guilty for depriving my sweet dogs of something they enjoy so much.

Tomorrow is supposed to be sunny and my first thought it one of dread.  I can try again to take them out but I'll probably sleep late and waste half the day.  The person I have been seeing is supposed to come over and make dinner and in order to fake some sense of normalcy while he's here, I'll probably spend the waking hours before he arrives trying to make my house and myself look inhabited by someone who gives a shit.  And has an ounce of self respect.

The thought alone exhausts me.

I saw some commercial today about the physical affects of depression and could relate to a bit of what I saw - I think I might check it out.  I'm not really interested in taking more medication but I am interested in feeling better.  I hate to think that the two go hand in hand.

Another night on the couch.  I feel like I haven't slept in my bed in months.


Saturday, 5 May 2012

Thank Buddha it's Friday.

And I have a 3 day weekend.  And I only work 4 days next week!

Party on.

Sitting at home right now watching "The Runaways".  Last night I fell asleep at 9pm (on the couch), stayed there until 8am and still yawned my face off all day.  What gives?  It is currently 12:59am.

I don't know if it's the medication or not.  I thought the excessive yawning had stopped but I also thought it was starting to make me feel a bit better and now I'm not so sure about any of it.  Should I be taking a higher dosage?  I'm currently on 10mg of Cipralex.  I wonder how much other people are taking and what sort of success they've had....

I've wanted to write about the fact that I am no longer smoking pot. I'm not sure who's reading this (if anyone) or what they might think of smoking weed but I live in Vancouver, B.C otherwise known as the Amsterdam of North America and it's pretty commonplace.  Even though almost it's no big deal to smoke a joint or a bowl, I've been in a very long term relationship with the ganja and like any other long term relationship I've had, it ran it's course.  The love is lost. 

Where I used to find comfort and peace, I started to find anxiety and paranoia. That's a mood killer for sure.  Over the years that I spent locked away in my apartment I found it easier to block out the world when I got stoned but all of a sudden that changed.  It turned on me.  Friends off. 

During that time I would occassionally think that if I did quit smoking everything would somehow get better. I'd be more inclined to leave the house or something.  Not really the case.  Not at all.

Don't really feel like writing anymore.  Actually considering deleting this post but....fuck it.


Thursday, 3 May 2012

Being the bigger person. Literally.

On the downhill side of the week now - finally!  That being said, several times tonight I've thought about calling in sick to work tomorrow.  I hate that place.

It doesn't help that the person I'm having troubles with (who will here on in be known as "The Troll") is still trying to mess with me.  After all the drama of last week, I thought we were going to come to some sort of unspoken agreement that we would maintain professional courtesy.  Not the case.

He has now started tweeting about me.  Not specifically about me but - it's obviously about me!  I don't follow The Troll but a friend at work does and it was obvious enough to him that he decided to come over and show me these troll-ish tweets on his iphone.  Ugh!!!  I spent a good part of the day thinking of comeback tweets that are obviously (and yet not specifically) in retaliation but I know he's just trying to get a reaction out of me and I refuse to stoop to his level.

Can you believe this person is my supervisor????  I wish I could go into more detail but it's best if I don't.  Ugh!!!

It's the last thing I need.  I had some other things test me today at work and I faltered a bit but overall I think I handled the day pretty well.  At one point I thought about racing home on my afternoon break to get an ativan but I didn't.  Instead I smoked and did deep breathing exercises in the elevator. Baby steps.

I have a feeling this medication is finally starting to do something.  I was tempted to say "starting to work" but....I honestly feel like any "work" has to come from me (deep within) and the medication is only helping me to do it.  I feel a bit stronger.  I slept on the couch last night and will probably do so again tonight but at least now I'm falling asleep at a normal time instead of crashing immediately after work and drifting in and out of consciousness until I have to get up and do the whole thing over again.

My room just feels so empty and lonely. 

Still thinking about calling in sick tomorrow. 



Tuesday, 1 May 2012

I don't like Mondays.

Today was brutal.  Not in a life shattering way but brutal just the same.

"One of those days."

Strangely, several times throughout the day I realized that this is the type of day that would have resulted in a serious meltdown not too long ago.  I was waiting for it.  It never came.

For starters, it was Monday. I hate Mondays.  Mostly because I hate my job (for too many reasons to list right now) but also because it means I have to leave my house, I have to get out of bed, I have to put some effort into life.  *yawn*

Speaking of yawns - I no longer yawning 27,000 times a day.  I've read that this is a side effect of the Cipralex and I'm grateful that it seems to be passing.  Along with the jaw clenching.  It seems I have traded these side effects for some awful night sweats! They are worse on nights when I have really vivid dreams and I've been having a lot of those (not on nights when I take an ativan).  They aren't scary but they are always disturbing and feel as if they last all night long.  I will wake up briefly (sweating) only to fall back into the same damn dream!! Either I can't find something, I can't get something to work, people won't talk to me or I'm stuck wearing shoes that are too small or I can't walk in. Figure that one out.  (In one dream I was really struggling to walk, only to discover that I could move along quite normally if I just walked....backwards.  Wtf.)

So today.  The day started out as usual (dreadfully, gagging, wanting to throw up) and when I went down to start my car, the battery was dead. Luckily I live close enough to work that I am able to run there (I hate running more than I hate Mondays - double whammy) in about the same amount of time I give myself to drive.  (I hate explaining why I drive but I will - I come home at lunch to walk my dogs and there just isn't enough time to walk. And if it's raining, that's an entire hour spent in the rain and I end up coming back to my professional work atmosphere looking like slash from guns 'n roses after a serious bender.  Not pretty.)

Got to work sans ciggy (yes I smoke. A ton lately too.  Judge me all you want.) and when I finally got my break I went all the way out to "the pit" only to discover that I had brought an empty smoke pack to work. And the person I have been having all this trouble with was out there. Arg. 

Work was CRAZY busy.

My friend told me she's stop by after work to give my car a jump start and decided last minute that she "didn't feel" like leaving the house.  Ok.  I called the towtruck (there's an hour + of my life that I'll never get back) and when I finally had my car running the dogs and I were off to the pet store.  Only to get there and realize I had left my wallet at home.  Arrrrrgggg.

See - not exactly life shattering.  But this is exactly the kind of day that would have had me in tears MULTIPLE times even a matter of days ago.  "Why me?!" thinking would have taken over and that would have been the end of me.

But not today.  I persevered. 

I'm tired and the computer is blinding me. 

I wonder what tomorrow will bring.